


carry on another way

by actualflower



Series: character studies: mortality and bonds. [4]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Feelings of Self-loathing, Implied/Reference Minor Character Death, and her mildly suicidal almost-BF rogue, late night chats with the local depressed druid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 20:34:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7069030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actualflower/pseuds/actualflower
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>keyleth is no stranger to loss, whether it is past, present, or future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	carry on another way

keyleth is not a stranger to loss.

that does not mean it does not _hurt._

her hand dips to the ground, and even while the flames wreathe around her changed form, she can feel the hurt and the _achingwrongbad_ of the land itself as they stare down the flickering portal that has been ripped into the fabric of the planes themselves.

she drops the flames, and stands next to her father, and tries her best to heal that which has been hurt -

and then vax does something incredibly stupid, and her heart stops once again.

she saves him, luckily, but it does not halt the hammering of her heart in her chest and the brilliant flash of fear that choked her throat and leaves her breathless even now; that feeling of _i’ve already lost so much, vax, don’t let me lose you, too._

she feels the strain of the day on her aching muscles, but she does not bunk down until she knows that every remaining pyrha ashari has somewhere to sleep for the night (and there are so few of them left, and she can’t help but feel that if maybe they had been just a moment _faster_ , if she had been a touch _better_ \- )

vox machina leaves the tribe in the morning, and even with the successes of the day, she cannot help but feel the weight of failure settle on her shoulders.

they keep going, as they always do. and keyleth will follow - she would follow these people to the ends of the realm, and even beyond, and she _has_ , so this is no empty promise. even with the feeling of emptiness and uselessness that settles in her bones so often, even with the pointlessness of her voice compared to these stronger people that she surrounds herself with, she will always follow wherever they go.

it’s just harder, some days.

they’re supposed to fight a dragon, tomorrow. keyleth lays awake in her bed, feels her eyes trace the ceiling above her more than actually seeing anything, and realizes that they’re sending perhaps dozens to their deaths. even with all the preparation, even with all the godsdamned attempts at trying to cage this beast, she knows in that instinctual way that there’s going to be several that will never walk again because of them, because of their actions and idiocy and she’s done nothing to stop this wholesale slaughter because she knows that her voice is _useless_ -

a knock at her door, and her voice is more hoarse than she’d like when she calls out an, “enter.”

it’s vax’ildan - _it’ll always be vax,_ she thinks - and he enters with a sheepish grin. “hey, kiki.”

she smiles. it feels fake, even to her, and she’s always been a terrible liar. vax’s smile morphs into a look of concern, so tender that she thinks she might cry from her own unworthiness. she doesn’t deserve this man’s love. she doesn’t deserve anything.

“what’s wrong, keyleth?” and, oh, the way he says her name really does make the tears well in her eyes. he crosses the room without a word, door shut behind him. he wraps her in his arms, and she wants desperately to pull away, even as her arms wrap around him in kind.

“we’re killing them, vax.” that is what she sees. vox machina, in all their martial prowess, sending these people to die in a battle that wasn’t really theirs to begin with. “we’re just going to-”

“keyleth, they chose this, as much as you or i,” he interrupts, voice a whisper where his head rests on her shoulder. “and i’m the last person to judge whether someone should live or die, but they’re not good people, keyleth. we wouldn’t be doing the world a disservice. and this way, they get to choose their death, make it mean something-”

“we are not the people who get to decide that.” her voice is shrill, and the tears are falling unbidden from her eyes, but she cannot stop. she never can. it’s another of her failings. “we could all die tomorrow, and then what would it mean? what? it would just mean that we failed, again, and the world would be left to rot because we couldn’t - i couldn’t -” her voice falters, and she buries her face further into vax’s shoulder.

 _we’re all going to die tomorrow_ , she thinks, and vax pulls away, uses a gentle hand to guide her eyes to his, and the steel she finds there takes her breath away.

“we - you - are not going to die tomorrow. i will make sure of it.” there is so much love there, so much of something that she can’t - won’t - let herself have, and she pushes him away.

“you can’t promise me that, vax. i don’t-” _i don’t deserve that kind of devotion,_ she doesn’t say, but she knows he can see it in her eyes anyway. she feels cold without his arms around her, and thinks it’s just what she deserves. this is what she is. cold, and useless, and alone.

vax gives her an inscrutable look, something like pity and something like love fighting in his gaze, and he reaches forward one last time, just to press a kiss to her cheek. he says nothing as he turns and leaves.

she lets him go.

**Author's Note:**

> keyleth is my favorite. also, marisha ray has stated in the latest Q&A that keyleth really, really hates herself. :^(c  
> i love keyleth so much, you guys, and vaxleth ruins me on a daily basis. the only straight pairing i'll ship. that's how much i love it. they're so GOOD FOR EACH OTHER but they've both got SO MANY ISSUES and it's like they've built this angst wall between themselves. i'm yellin. and cryin. all the time.
> 
> and she just wants to do SO MUCH GOOD but she thinks she's not worth ANYTHING and i just. i can't handle this im tearing up ANYWAY
> 
> title from Lengths by The Black Keys.
> 
> come talk to me abt depressed druids @ ppepperbox.tumblr.com!


End file.
